Forced Seperation and Flowing Tears

So this post in not a religious epiphany or Biblical lesson, it is just what I have been going through for the last two weeks. The first big happening for the last two weeks is my separation from my religious family, and, worse yet, my separation from my Abba. As I mentioned in my last post, I have been doing RA training at my school. The school lives on the Christian calender which uses Sunday as a replacement Sabbath instead of Saturday which is when the Jewish Shabbat is held according to the decree of G-d. This means that they plan a lot of activities and work day on Shabbat. I knew that to some extent I would be giving up Congregation for a few weeks to complete training. I did believe that I would be able to at least make some of the Tuesday night Bible studies, but have been unable to do so. Something always comes up with training. I now feel horrible. I have not been fed in weeks and do not see the any of the family I have made. I feel like there is a gaping hole between me and the Congregation and also with G-d. I was looking at my "Are You All In?" post and just realized that I have fallen out of that attitude and into a depression. Father, help me to get through this season of separation! There have been other happens, to which I alluded, but I will write about them another day... I am going to sleep now!

Update: RA Training!

I have been pretty quite for the last few days, but I have been very busy with RA training! I love the group I am with, the team we have is a gift and I look forward to both the highs and lows with these people. "Just as iron sharpens iron, a person sharpens the character of his friend! (Mishlei)" I am with a group who have so much for me to learn from them! Their love and strengths mixed with their brokenness is forming what promises to be a beautiful whetstone for my continued sharpening. The training I am in right now is sucking up all my time but for sleep! I will try to update more as the weeks progress!

Mishlei (Proverbs) 27:17

My Abba

Do you ever feel like you are wrong, that something you have done is horrible and you wish you had never been tempted in the first place? You say a wretched thing to you friend, you are tempted to that movie you know will only cause you unrest and a night full of the darkest dreams. Or maybe you are tempted by the thoughts and desires of your masculine flesh. You think to yourself, how can a sinner like me deserve the love of a sacrificial lamb? A Messiah who would lay His life down to take away the sins that tempt you to turn from the light of G-d and hide in the shadows of your own twisted heart. Your soul cries out, "Abba, Father of my soul, I long for the grave. I do not know why I can not love you the way You desire, the way you require of me." You listen for the great wind, you wait for the earthquake, you watch for the firestorm, but they never come. Then in that still, small voice, you hear your Papa sooth you gently, "be still, know that I am G-d." As you draw in your breath, waiting, hoping for His voice, He tells you, "You are mine, child. I love you. Nothing you say, nothing you do, no shame you bring to your flesh, no crime you commit to your heart will change My heart for you."
You have never felt so small knowing of the tantrums you have thrown, the words you have used, the hatefulness with which you have spoke to you Abba; that no matter what you are His and His alone.
Imagine the love that G-d has for you. Think of the childless man you know. There is a desire to connect with children, to have offspring to share the joys of this world with, the flesh of his own flesh. He becomes a pediatrician and spends his time caring for the children of others.
Imagine that after years of infertility that man has a child. He is the sparkle in the man's eye. The man raises him exactly in his shoes. The boy fills his father with joy at everything he does. But disease has over taken the world and the man knows that the only way to save the children is to give up his only son. As much as he loves his son, he gives him up.
Now think of G-d. In B'resheet, we see G-d, alone and desiring to connect. He creates man to have community with him. Man abandons G-d so he can chase the desires of his heart. G-d has a son, but knows that the only way to bring the sons of man to Him is to offer His own flesh as a sin offering. What kind of love does the creator G-d have for the children of man if He is willing to give up His son to bring you into a relationship of healing with Him?
My prayer is a constant cry to let go of sin, but hearing that still small voice of the Master of All the Universe lets me know that I will fall down, but my Abba will be there to doctor my boo-boo, to pick me up and, holding my tiny hand in the mighty hands that forged the earth, together we try my walk again.

M'lakhim Alef ( 1 Kings) 19:11-12
B'resheet (Genesis) 1-3
B'resheet (Genesis) 2:23
Tehillem (Psalms) 46:10
Yochanan (John) 3:16

The Name of G-d

I was recently asked why I write the name of G-d with the dash. This is a common question I encounter from my Christian friends. The dash in "L-rd" or "G-d" is just about showing reverence for the names of the King above all Kings! It come from the Jewish tradition of not writing the name of G-d out. The tradition even goes so far as to change the actual name of G-d when you read it in the scriptures. Instead of using G-d's name, they would change it to be things like "Elohim (G-d), El (mighty one), El Shaddai (almighty G-d), Adonai (master), El Elyon (most high G-d)..." (wikipedia (dashes added)). The writing of His name like this is not a command of the Torah, but from the Talmud. It is not a command that G-d gave to His people, but a man made command. One site I looked at even points out that it was not until the time of the Talmud that the command to avoid G-d's name came about (jewfaq.org). My praticipation in this practice is just to show a reverance to His name. Instead of just writing out the name mindlessly, putting the dash there catches my thoughts and I have to focus on why I am writing G-d's name; it helps me in not abusing Him name.

Slowly, Slowly

Rabbi Ben is always talking about his philosophy on life, "Slowly, Slowly." With Rabbi, he never wants you to go too fast, but to always take the time to focus and learn and be prepared. This is my exact opposite. I am a zealot. I love to move and to run for the finish line. Every time I hear this, I start to rage on the inside. I want to move! I want it to be so right now! I want to not have to work for the end, but for the end to present itself as a middle for me to step forward to another end. I want life to be rapid fire! I want! I want... I have been with Rabbi for almost nine months now. And Slowly, slowly, my spirit has calmed. I am still overly zealous. I still have the all too human desire for life to come easily, but I have seen my inner rage shrink, and my desire to serve the L-rd and to know His Ways have grown.
I feel like Keffa, who loved Yeshua so much, but was always trying to run ahead of the Master. Yeshua would pull Keffa back and give him some order. Time and again he would run for the golden ring, only to be subdued by the wisdom and love of the Messiah. Eventually we see Keffa grow from his overly zealous state into one of trusting (Matityahu 14:28) and proclaiming the truth of Messiah (Matityahu 16:16). Keffa never lost his zealousness completely, but used his zeal to further the Kingdom of G-d. I would be blessed if in the end I find the restraint the Keffa found.
And so I walk forward, ever so "Slowly, Slowly," praying my soul would calm within me and the rage would die away as G-d's fire raises in me and His Light shines through.

On Facebook/Myspace and MY Sinful Hideaway

I have been questioned many times now about the statement I made in my previous post about Facebook and Myspace. I was not referring to the websites being evil. I was referring to my use and addiction to these sites that has become unhealthy in my life... I am not saying "Boycott Facebook." I like Facebook, which has become too much of a problem in my life. For now I am leaving these online networks until I can straighten out some things in my life. It is all about me in this instance... using Facebook does not make you a sinner... ;) haha!

"Are You All In?"

At congregation this week, Rabbi brought up a message that we had both heard while we were on eXperiance Israel in Yerushalayim about Texas Hold'em. The point was that when watching Texas Hold'em, you see one of the players will get really excited, stand up, push all of his chips into the center of the table and say, "I am all in!" if you watch them, they will pace, they will think about it, they will get excited, and they will wait for the outcome in the belief that they will win out in the end. So we were challenged, "Are you all in?" With this question, I began to consider the meaning of this in my life. I had to give up to G-d all of the bastions of the World and the Flesh that I hold so dear, but like the card player who wanted to win big, I knew I had to let it all go and have faith in the Messiah and my relationship. I would go all in. Immediately His voice was telling me this and that and this to get out of my life. There was excitement on His side and I felt like I was finally going to do something right! After asking Him to slow down for my weakness, I have started to delete chunks of sinful hideaways. There has been the obvious: Korn, Tool, A Prefect Circle, and the hidden, Facebook and Myspace. but here I am on the journey to put all those chips in! I feel I finally have a solid direction and a family supporting my success and failures. I look forward to the journey almost as much as I do the destination!